You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize