Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
