I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
