the new term for farting is butt boxing.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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