Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
