Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
