My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
