Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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