Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Randomize
