Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
