My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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