If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
