even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
