Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
