Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
as a side note pls kill me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
