Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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