Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize