I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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