My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
