Banned from zoo.
Again?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
