someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
