I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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