Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
