I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
a search helicopter?!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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