I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
