Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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