My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
