I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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