I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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