Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize