my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
