I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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