You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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