There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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