if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
