i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
