Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
