OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
