I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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