I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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