my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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