I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
