My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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