first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
