I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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