Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have fence marks all over my body
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
