I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
