So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize