I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
