I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Are we still banned from the library?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
