Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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