Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize