I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
