My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
