He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
