The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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